We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
