and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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