Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
