We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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