i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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