I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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