I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
