Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
