I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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