my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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