I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
