i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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