thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
