For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
