I love black thongs
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
