Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
