how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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