its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
