you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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