you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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