I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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