I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Let the clothes fall where they may.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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