At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
