chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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