There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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