so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
