o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize