what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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