Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize