if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I deserve this hangover.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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