paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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