I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
