Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
