if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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