sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize