and you said cock pushups were impossible
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
