the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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