I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
