if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize