the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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