Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
