Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
