I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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