Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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