People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
