Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
