Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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