the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
