Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
being pregnant is like rehab
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
