You made me cry and you don't even care
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
