my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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