the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
