Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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