Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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