So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
