You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
