One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I see more hoeing in ur future
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