She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize