Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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