god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I believe in your delicious
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
