Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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