maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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