I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
